After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
