i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
