I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
