If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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