tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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