what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
