where am i from again
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
