Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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