last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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