So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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