i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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