last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Bring me that man meat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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