ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
