No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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