These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
