I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
