its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
