I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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