He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
