we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
