Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We need to get me chipped asap
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
