My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
