never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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