I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
last night I used snow as a chaser
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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