How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
