As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
