brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
