I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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