The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
