he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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