How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
