I'm jealous of your bromance
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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