i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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