1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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