What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
