I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
