I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
