His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
