I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
