I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
