Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
