i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
