my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
