I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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