They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
