Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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