I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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