She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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