Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
