Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
