Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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