you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
