That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
