I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it hurts more in the daytime
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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