If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
