Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
