I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
