He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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