I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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